Bed Side Manner…


June 18, 2012 by Kim

While growing up, I always thought that there only 2 possible ways to wake up…

On the “wrong” side of the bed… and that other side.  The “not-wrong” side

If only life were that simple…

As the years have passed, I have come to realize that there are really an unlimited amount of sides to the bed that can be woken up on.

Not 2… Not 4… Not 78… Not 194… This bed is kind of becoming a circle….

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I mean, yeah… you can wake up “good” and you can wake up “bad”

But, there’s SO much more….

The Fat Side of the Bed: When you went to bed, the previous night… you were normal. Somehow, while you slumbered, you managed to pack on 4 pounds…

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complete with swollen fingers and an ass that does not want to squeeze into the jeans you had placed out, for today.  This occurrence actually happened to me today and I had to switch out my planned jeans for my “Help! I’m suddenly big boned!” jeans.  Total walk of shame to perform the switch, may I add.  Either Hubs is intravenously feeding me milkshakes, while I sleep or…. well….. that’s the only option.  What an asshole!

The Irritable Side of the Bed: From the exact second that your day begins, you are bitchy.  The very feeling of your eyelids opening, places a frown across your face.  The alarm happens to be playing the most annoying song that you have ever heard in your entire life AND you will have the pleasure of having that song implanted into your soul for the remainder of the day.  It will take everything you have to resist the urge to pummel your spouse, with a bag of russet potatoes, as he peacefully catches the last of his ZZZZs.

The Late Side of the Bed: It’s a work day and you awake to silence.  The room is uncharacteristically filled with sunlight. Everything is wrong.  You roll your head towards your alarm clock and spend the next 7 minutes staring at the display and trying to determine if you are supposed to be awake yet…

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Any and all math skills have fled your body.  The numbers that you are concentrating on don’t make sense.  When the 8th minute arrives, reality floods over you. YOU’RE F’CKEN LATE!!!! You catapult from the bed into the bathroom, without touching the floor once.  You’re usual 30-45 minute routine is condensed into 5.9 minutes. You won’t be able to shake the feeling that you forgot to do something and you will never realize what it is, until you set foot inside your place of employment. P.S.  It usually has to do with deodorant.

The Ugly Face Side of the Bed: This little annoyance will show itself more and more as the years trample by. There are just some mornings when that first sleepy glimpse into the mirror is more horrifying than others… Everything seems to be at it’s absolute worse on the exact same day.  Nice teamwork, face!  Pores that are large enough to swallow a full-grown Smurf, the shine from your forehead is able to temporarily blind you (when the light hits it just right), the mascara (that you KNOW you removed the night before) has managed to find it’s way from the discarded cotton-ball inside the trash onto the 2 inches of skin beneath your eyes.  Icing on the cake?  “Sleep Lines” Those imprints from folds and wrinkles in your sheets… imbedded deep across your face.  Will they go away before work??? You’re kidding, right?

The Agony Side of the Bed: At some point, while you slept peacefully through the night… you were careless.  It was probably nothing major.  It could have occurred when you rolled from your side to your back… it could have been when you hit the snooze button the 1st or 4th time… or it could have been when you coughed, while deep in the land of dreams.  Needless to say the damage is done. As you pull the weight of you body into a sitting position, you feel it…  Pain. You can’t exactly target where it’s located.  It almost seems to encompass your entire body. Your hair follicles hurt, your nail beds hurt, your stretch marks hurt, the skin covering your ankle hurts… everything.  Everything hurts.

…and those are just 5 of the sides.  This list could be endless…

Feel free to share any that I might have missed…


8 thoughts on “Bed Side Manner…

  1. Good post – we’ve all had these days!

  2. JerseyLil says:

    LOL! I recognize way too many of these sides!! 🙂

  3. OMG this is the funniest shit I have read all day!!! And I don’t like to curse online! This is hilarious. Bravo!

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