Costco, where you can buy everything… except happiness


May 25, 2012 by Kim

I doubt that I will ever leave Costco feeling satisfied…

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I understand that the whole “bulk shopping” thing makes sense, in the long run.  Especially when you have a teenager, a pre-teen and a stocky-ass 7 year old…all of the male variety, residing in your home.

For me, Costco always seems like a brilliant idea.  With the insane quickness that groceries enter and leave our house, it’s always reassuring to know that you can get more of each item… and still end up saving a few dollars.

Simple, right?

Yeah… sure.  Would I really be writing this if it was that easy?

“Hey guys… I went to Costco today and stocked up on all the family favorites.  I saved a ton and we will eat like kings for the next 3 months!”

The end

Yeah, that’s really entertaining

Now, let me give you the real scoop…

I love visiting Costco for the same reason I enjoy checking out the Wal-Mart aisle that carries the trial-sized items.  There’s just something about non-standard sizing that takes my brain to its happy place.  I could happily stare in awe at teeny-tiny bottles of conditioner and 82-count packages of light bulbs for hours on end.

It’s not the looking that’s the problem.  The ADD part of my brain ADORES the looking…    It’s that “taking the next step and making a commitment to buy” where I fumble up.  That’s where the OCD part of my brain body-slams ADD Brain, ties it up, sticks a sock in its mouth and duct-tapes it to a far wall of the closet.  Yes, my brain has closets… don’t hate.

Costco freaks OCD Brain the hell out.  OCD Brain wants NO part of this foolishness!  None.  While I’m busy noticing that my favorite toothpaste is bundled into a package of 8 tubes, OCD Brain is attempting to do the math.. in my head.  Math has never been welcomed with open arms, inside my head….  The inside of my head prefers the luxury of a calculator.   OCD Brain forces me to do the counting on my fingers, 3 separate times.   Do you know what it’s like to be a 34-year-old woman, standing paralyzed in the depths of a row at Costco… attempting to count your possible financial savings on your 10 fingers?  OCD Brain is devious.  OCD Brain knows that there is a 93% chance in which I will not be able to come up with the price per unit… and if I can’t stumble across that answer, the package will not enter my cart.  We will end  up walking away from the multi-pack of toothpaste empty-handed… OCD Brain flamboyantly strutting around, show-boating his achievement; ADD Brain, having long ago fallen from his Duct Taped Wall, peering sadly at the retreating pallet o’ toothpaste,  through the crack at the bottom of the closet door.

Sometimes, the math is easy though… and OCD Brain has to resort to other methods…. The most commonly used other method is to make me feel like a damned idiot.   OCD Brain is good at that…

“12 can of beans? When the hell are you EVER going to use 12 cans of beans… It’s Summer-time.  Are you going to force your family to eat chili, during the Summer-Time? I don’t know… throw the cans in your cart if you want, but I wouldn’t spend 10 dollars on beans that you’ll never use.”

“15 cans of tomato sauce? Why are you even considering buying 15 cans of tomato sauce when you KNOW you still have 2 cans at home, from the LAST 15-pack you bought …over a year ago”

“You DO remember that it’s a 30 mile drive home, right?  Those 120 slices of cheese are probably going to get hot.. but, whatever, I guess you like gross warm cheese”

“EIGHTEEN DOLLARS?  You’ve bought jeans that cost less than that!”

“Yeah, sure… go ahead and buy that 10 pound log of hamburger meat.  I’m sure the people at the homeless shelter will let you cook it up, when you can’t afford to pay your rent…. or when it thaws they can let you use it as a pillow…”

Funny thing is, OCD Brain always shuts the hell up when I’m picking out the Costco muffins….

Strangely quiet.

3 hours later I’ve finally finished and the door attendant is highlighting my receipt

…and somewhere between the 12 pounds of bananas,  2 boxes of Costco muffins and 18 packages of chewing gum, I have still managed to spend 100 dollars.


12 thoughts on “Costco, where you can buy everything… except happiness

  1. hiyacynthia says:

    Ha ha – I made you think of this with my Walmart post, didn’t I? LOL! I would die without my phone’s calculator at the store…

  2. Andrew says:

    The worst part is the pizza, hot dog, and sodas are under 5 bucks. So sometimes I have eating contests with myself. Oh Costco.

    • Kim says:

      Hahaha… I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything from Costco that cost under 5 dollars. By the time I get anywhere near the pizza and stuff, I am exhausted…

  3. Rochelle says:

    Your lucky only one hundred mine is always around 3 hundred and feel like I come with nothing to show for it Lol

  4. Annie-Rae says:

    You crack me up!!!

  5. There is a $100 minimum isn’t there? I mean, don’t you kicked out if you spend under $100?

    • Kim says:

      Ummm… you’re allowed to spend under $100, but I don’t think you get a shopping cart until you reach the hundred dollar mark. 😉

  6. Mandi says:

    Hello. I discovered your page via Google. Take care.

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