May 14, 2012 by Kim
I was verbally reprimanded, by my Mother… on Mother’s Day (no less), for failing to have Part 2 of my last post published and ready to read.
If you have absolutely no idea what on Earth I’m talking about CLICK HERE!
Don’t be ashamed of your ignorance… I understand. You probably accidentally landed here while searching for pictures of Justin Bieber…
Well, you’re here now… allow me to attempt to entertain you.
First… Go click the link…. read and return
We’ll wait for you… we were all newbies at one point.
OK, so to recap… on the holiest of all days “Mother”, the bearer of the womb that I first called home, made no attempt to hide her disdain over my lack of blog follow-through. I believe she may have even shook her trembling fist at me… and snarled in my general direction. I also believe that I may have lied and stated that the entry in question had already been written and was hanging out with the other rift-raft currently squatting in my draft folder…
And so here I sit… needing to put words to keyboard
I slid down the cabinet to the chilled tile, defeated. As the side of my face made contact with the floor, I found myself staring, through sweat fogged eyes, at a lonely crumb lying in the grout. Somewhere, in the distance, I heard Hub’s voice… reminding me to pick the butter knife up and put it into the sink when I’m finished dying.
I closed my eyes…
I was in pain and my only option, it seemed, was to play dead. Who was I hiding from? I’m not even sure…
When I managed to re-open my eyes, the same lazy crumb lay motionless in the same grout where I had originally seen it.
I was eye-level with the crumb… we were on the same level.
I briefly likened my crumb to Tom Hank’s volleyball bestie, Wilson, from Castaway…
However, I quickly determined that my crumb was too small in stature to place a hand print face upon…
As I contemplated several very common last names to christen my crumb, a large shadow slowly engulfed us both…. The Beast glanced at me in confusion, inhaled my crumb and moved across the room to creepily smell the family’s shoes.
I closed my eyes…
As I felt a sense of normalcy returning to my limbs, I managed to once again pry my eyelids apart. My crumb was still gone. That had really just happened. I flopped my body onto my back and stared up at the kitchen ceiling.
How had I ended up here? What kind of force could have possibly led to this much raw pain.
Was a do-it-yourself epidural available, for purchase, at any of the near-by dollar stores?
I parted my lips, hoping to convey to Hubs the predicament I was in… a mere 12 feet behind him
The only sound I was able to push out of my mouth was a cross between a whistle and a moan.
Completely unintelligible… However, audible.
Hubs acknowledged my attempt at verbalization by repeating his original request for me to place the discarded butter knife into the sink. Without even a glance in my direction, he also suggested I shower at some point…. preferably sooner rather than later.
I closed my eyes.
How had I ended up here?
I racked my brain, in search of an answer… But, my usually jumbled brain seemed to be even more of a cluster than usual.
Picture the worst house you’ve ever seen on the show “Hoarders” … now picture that same house after an earthquake, which is followed by a tornado. That, my friends, was my brain.
As I struggled to regain any type of recollection, two words flung themselves into the view of my mind’s eye.
Shit…. Apparently my attempt at some last second “training” for our city’s first annual Mud Run had inadvertently left me slightly comatose on my kitchen floor…
***to be continued***
Yep, I did it again! In yo’ FACE, Mom!!!