What to Expect, When You’re Not Expecting…

5

May 1, 2012 by Kim


Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will never hurt me…

Yeah, ummmm… bullshit.

 that’s right I said it….

BULL SHIT!

Words can hurt.

Do you want to know which words, when assembled together properly under certain situations, can leave the largest emotional bruise?

It’s 4 simple words

4 simple words, which in all honesty were probably not  meant to inflict pain…  purely brought forth from ignorance

4 simple words.

“When are you due?”

It can be communicated in many different ways… but the message remains the same…

“When is the baby due?”  “What are you having” “How many is this going to make”

Congratulations!!!  Apparently, you’re having a baby…

The only problem is that…  you’re not

at all

Photo Credit: honkeydonkeytees.com

Not even a little bit…. There’s not even the slightest chance that you could be 72 HOURS pregnant, let alone 7-9 months

and then there’s always that awkward moment when you have to set your well-wisher straight

You have to carefully refrain from punching them in the middle of their stupid face and instead attempt to calmly inform them that your womb is vacant

Super Vacant

…and then the tidal wave of humiliation with flow from you… to them… back to you… and back to them

The Circle of Shame

There’s no “correct” way to recover from implying that a non-pregnant woman should probably be wearing maternity clothes.

It’s impossible.

This is why I have made it a personal law to NEVER ask a female about the status of her presumed pregnancy

I don’t care how damned pregnant she looks….  I don’t even care if I can physically see little knees and elbows moving around under her stretched out “Baby on Board” T-shirt…   I will not assume that woman is pregnant.

The only non-verbal clue that could convince me otherwise is for the baby to actually be crowning…

So, if you allow me into your circle of trust, confiding to me about your upcoming bundle of joy…

I’ll probably assume that you’re pregnant.

…and if you’re spread eagle atop the cold Wal-Mart tiles; begging me, through incorrectly performed Lamaze breaths, to MacGyver you up an epidural, while a tiny arm hangs out of your hoo-haa….

I’m probably going to assume that you’re pregnant…

I’ve survived my own fair share of pregnancy assumptions

I don’t care how many times you get that question unfairly directed at you…It always cuts like a knife…

and leaves you mildly light-headed from attempting to suck in your gut for the remainder of the day.

The worst false-pregnancy accusation I’ve ever had thrown my way?

I thought you’d never ask…

It was quite a few years ago and of course, it took place at a bar…

I was approached by a stranger, while I was outside smoking

Nothing weird there… Get a little liquor in people and they want to be buddies with everyone.

He cut straight to the chase and congratulated me on my pregnancy.

I had no clue who this was, but he seemed to be genuinely happy for me and my imaginary fetus.

Since I didn’t want to be known as the pregnant girl, drinking and smoking at the bar… I immediately informed him that I was indeed not pregnant.  I even tried to laugh a little after I said it, to lessen the blow but he countered back with something I have NEVER heard of, or experienced, before.

He INSISTED that I was pregnant.

He told me not to be ashamed…and that pregnancy was a wonderful thing

The more that I said I wasn’t pregnant… the more he argued that I was.

Let me remind you, real quick… I had NO CLUE who this guy was

In retrospect, the highlight of the conversation had to be when he declared that I was going to deliver a boy, due to how I was “carrying”

That entire conversation lasted a good 15 minutes longer than it ever should have.

and sadly,  in the end, I was never able to convince him that I wasn’t pregnant

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5 thoughts on “What to Expect, When You’re Not Expecting…

  1. My last boss looked fairly pregnant all the time. It was amusing watching people ask her about the baby. She was a jerk, so that was okay. Imaginary fetus! Bah!!

  2. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
    So, was he right? Did you have a boy?
    I’m just kidding of course, I think that pregnancy assumptions are stupid, although if a baby belly is really round and mama has her hand on it, I may assume. It’ll just make an a$$ out of u and me right?

  3. Claudina says:

    i wanted to thank you for this great read!! i am definitely enjoying every little bit of it i have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post. thanks for all.

  4. Albertina says:

    nice post, thanks for sharing.

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