April 23, 2012 by Kim
Have you ever been talking…attempting to make a point
and blah blah blah… you’re really enjoying the sound of your own voice… and blah blah blah… you get interrupted while someone attempts to inject their totally non-relatable story… and blah blah blah… you totally take a wrong turn and end up telling the completely wrong story.
You still made the same point… but via a different route and the not that there’s anything wrong with this new route… I mean there’s stuff to look at and it doesn’t smell weird, or anything. But it wasn’t your original story… and now your original story is all balled up in a corner, crying and stuff… rambling about how you love the new story more than you love it… and you just really don’t know what to say. You hate when stories cry…. and unbeknownst to you, that bitch of a new story is behind you…. being all dramatic and making exaggerated faces at the original story’s angst.
Well…. dry those tears, original story. I’m going to attempt your tale, again!
Have you ever gone against your own better judgement and proceeded with something that you absolutely knew wasn’t in your best interest?
Now, I’m not talking about continual cycle of the home-made haircut…. If you want to read about that, head over to my last post. But, make sure you come on back over here… Because the originally planned post is sensitive and wants to be noticed too.
My most recent lapse of better judgement occurred where it seems 2/3s of my life (outside of work) is currently taking place.
The tanning salon.
There are 3 styles of tanning bed to choose from when you first wander in there. The standard bed… The stand up bed… and the Xcalibur
My absolute favorite is, without a doubt, the Xcalibur. It’s huge… you don’t have to remain standing… and did I mention that it’s freaking huge. No lie… you can seriously roll over about 15 times in that bad boy before plunging to the ground. OK, not seriously…. But it’s super big.
I make the mistake at least once every year of willingly choosing to use the stand up “bed” My major issue with this bed is purely based on laziness. There is nothing refreshing about standing in a heat soaked cylinder… unable to touch anything except the top of your head. If the temperature starts to get to you and you sway… just a tiny bit, the chances of accidentally brushing your exposed hip against a molten metal bar are high. Not moderate to high…. HIGH! As in, you WILL do it… and it WILL inflict pain… and NO that isn’t one of those lips stickers that you place on your body, prior to tanning… that’s a welt.
As bad as that may sound… the stand up bed is not my nemesis. Like I said before…it only happens once a year, usually after the owner graciously offers it up, when there’s a long wait for Xcalibur…. and you figure, it’s only March… still cold outside. So you’re like “what the hell… it’s not going to kill me..”
and then it almost kills you.
but, whatever…it’s a once a year “thing” that you and that demonic bed have.
My issue… my TRUE issue is with the regular bed. The cheap bed. The smaller bed.
It knows how to lure you in… First off, there’s 3 of them…. THREE! The wait for one of these beds is almost non-existent. It’s also the least expensive of the options… After a month or 2 of fake and baking in Xcalibur, you figure that maybe you’ll down-grade to a regular bed for the upcoming months… and so you do
…even though there’s a tiny soft voice, in the back of your head, whispering reminders of how you detest the regular beds…
The first day back in the regular beds you’re confidant that you are about the prove your skeptical inner-voice wrong.
and as soon as you place your body into that compact tanning bed… you realize that your skeptical inner-voice knows a thing or 2 about your likes and dis-likes… and you should probably make an effort to listen to it more often.
Your sole complaint regarding the horror that is the “regular bed”
It’s really quite simple.
It’s the size… or lack there-of
The regular bed doesn’t give a damn that you’ve recently lost over 30 pounds… to the regular bed you are an amazon woman…
I can’t win with this damned thing. If I scoot down so I can put my hands above my head, then my feet hang out. If I try to bend my knees, to bring my feet back inside, then the lid partially opens. If I scoot up so that my feet are under the lights, then there is no where to put my hands. If I try to put my hands at my side, then I feel like half my arms and hands are hanging out the sides of the bed. I have to twist my frame and limbs into a pretzel type shape just to ensure that I am adequately covered with light…. and constant movement is a must, to avoid shadows from strategically placed hands, arms, thighs.. or whatever…. You become an ever changing human contortionist…
An unwilling ever changing human contortionist.
I vow that this error in judgement will only happen once, this year…
I’m hoping that May will find me, once again, nestled into the comfort that is the Xcalibur.
Forgive me, Xcalibur… I promise that I shall not stray again