April 5, 2012 by Kim
I have been gainfully employed for a large chuck of my adult life
Through my paycheck-gathering travels I have run across many different types of coworker
It seems, however, that there are certain “types” to be encountered, no matter where you choose to work.
From fast food establishments to fortune 500 companies… there will always be that certain cast of characters…
The Lady that Never Wears a Bra
The One Who Always Brings an Awesome Lunch
I could go on and on…
But, I won’t
Today, I share with you a completely different kind of co-worker…
The Co-Worker that Scares the Ever-Living Ba-Jesus Out of You
Usually, when it comes to this type of co-worker, there is no real or valid reason for your fear
In fact, I’d even venture to estimate that 97% of all the co-workers in the world who are lumped into this group… are simply misjudged
But, not mine….
Oh, no! She somehow manages to make up that 3% variance, all by herself.
She’s just that damned evil.
I have been struggling, for the last 2 days, to find the right name to refer to her by…
Nothing has seemed to click for me… and it probably doesn’t matter because I’m pretty sure that I’m going to mysteriously disappear after she lays eyes upon this entry.
For today I will call her “She-Who-Must-Not–Be-Named“
or SWMNBN, for short… cause that’s a lot of words to keep typing out…
So, my first experience with SWMNBN occurred about 10 years ago, when I was first hired on at my current place of employment.
We worked in neighboring warehouses… separated merely by a small parking area
I would see her everyday…but, something about her presence kept me far outside of her personal space and I could tell that was the way she wanted it.
As far as I knew, every single living creature within and surrounding those warehouses dared not to cross her
If her name entered a conversation, it could not be physically verbalized… you’d have to mutely word her name with your lips
Whenever a trip to her office was necessary, the bargaining would immediately begin.
“If you take SWMNBN this paperwork, I’ll do all of your work for the rest of the day”
“If you go ask SWMNBN about this error, I’ll bring you 2 sandwiches for the rest of the week”
“We’re having a pot luck next week, if you go take SWMNBN the sign up sheet, I’ll pay your car payment, this month”
We were terrified.
Most of the time when you envision a Co-Worker that Scares the Ever-Living Ba-Jesus Out of You, you picture someone scary looking
older, hunch-backed, facial warts… just kind of rough-looking
This, my friends, is where the first deception lies.
She looks normal.
Completely normal… I’d say she’s closer to my age than my moms’, she stands up straight, not a face wart in sight
She is disguised as a normal damned person!!!
But, don’t allow the appearance to fool you…
Evil lurks beneath… and I’ll prove it
I am 100 percent convinced that SWMNBN had a pet spider, named Thor, who she would send out into the warehouse, to bite us. Within a month’s time frame every single co-worker out on the warehouse floor had fallen victim to the merciless spider. No one was ever able to lay eyes on him, but I suspect Thor had a very cozy home, in a box, inside her desk.
In the middle of the desert hell, known also as summer, she would wear jeans with sparkles on them. During the afternoon hours, when the blistering sun was at its peak, she would somehow managed to be outside while we were trying to drive one of the rickety forklifts through the parking lot. Sparkles+Direct Sunlight= Holy Crap… I CAN’T SEE!!!!! One sparkle assisted re-routed ray of sunlight would average 17 minutes of temporary blindness.
Any question or comment posed to her would be answered with one word. Usually in a dry “you’re a complete idiot” tone of voice. To accentuate her disbelief over your marked stupidity, she would pair her answer with a condescending gaze over the top of her glasses. In addition… she is NEVER wrong. About anything. She can walk up to you and state that the sky is green and you’ll be all “WTF, SWMNBN… No the hell it’s not!!!” and then you’ll scurry off to the loading dock to FINALLY PROVE HER FUCKING WRONG and low and behold…. a green sky. You’ll slowly turn around and she’ll be gazing at you, in disgust, over her glasses.
She is the first person, on the entire base, to wear flip flops to work in the Spring. That shit right there is kind of shady…
Let’s fast forward to more current times…
Recently, while arriving at work, I noticed that we were headed towards the same turnstile. Feeling that I might already be about 1.5 seconds ahead of her, I sped up and slide my identification card into the reader, the device beeped its approval and I spun through the gate. Well, that’s what usually happens…. that’s what’s happened the other 56,000 times I’ve used that gate. This time? I darted in front of SWMNBN, inserted my card and… nothing. Dead Air. No approval beep. I even attempted to push the turnstile to see if it would let me enter. It locked up. I could feel SWSNBN’d eyes on me, from the other turnstile. I swiped my card again…. nothing. WTF. I heard a faint chuckle escape from SWSNBN’s lips and she whirled through her turnstile. As she disappeared towards the building, I finally heard my reader beep and was allowed admittance to work.
Oh, what? That’s not good enough for you?
OK, Let’s say that I currently manage pieces of gum.
In the beginning of the year I was given millions of pieces of gum. This gum had to last all year. So throughout the year I diligently analyzed the gum usage…. things were going good and I was right on track to deliver the last piece of gum, on the last day of the year. I was completely proud of my gum managing skills. If there was nothing else on this Earth that I could do right, at least I could manage my gum with the best of them. One day I come into work and look over the weekly report. A shit-load of gum has disappeared. GONE! I immediately head out to find a co-worker that I had promised a certain amount of the gum to. He had taken WAY more than originally requested and I planned to find him and punch him in the face. No questions… just a fist to the jaw. The coworker I was looking for was not anywhere to be found. I tracked down another coworker and told her the story of my missing gum. She quickly pulled up the gum inventory reports, to clear her own name, and immediately turned pale.
“SWSNBN took the missing gum” she whispered.
she scrolled down the screen a bit more
“She took it all”
We both sat there in silence. Neither of us were sure where to go from there.
As I stated before, SWSNBN is always right… so, I’m sure there was a reason the gum was utilized.
All 500,000 pieces
and to be completely honest, I’ll probably end up offering up the last thousand pieces to her too… and possibly my awesome collection of highlighters (as a peace-offering)
There are 2 people who I have learned, in my life, not to question…
Jesus and SWSNBN