March 20, 2012 by Kim
There are 2 things in life that I despise.
The smell of cat urine… and liars
Once my trust is broken it’s pretty safe to say that I will probably never believe you again.
That’s a long time.
…and it’s not like I’ll be subtle about it either
Oh, heck no!
Every sentence that passes your lips, after the original lie is discovered, will be responded to with the declaration that you are, indeed… a liar
If you go onto Facebook and post about how you just went to the gas station and spent 80 dollars on gas… I will be the first to comment and it will be one simple word.
Not even with an exclamation point. It is but a plain sad fact that is only in need of a period.
This morning, I was getting ready for work… just like any other morning that I have to work.
It was 5 AM and that damned light in my bathroom is still too damned bright.
Especially at 5AM… when I am surrounded by darkness.
Every time I turn it, in those early morning hours, it startles me.
Every time I turn it on, in those early morning hours, I instinctively strike a pose that is part Captain Morgan stance… part fetal position
Luckily, it only take a few moments to adjust to the glaring bulb of doom.
Rise and shine Kim, say Good Morning to each and every one of your pores!
I have a very strict routine that I follow at 5AM.
Utilize the toilet. Weigh myself… in the bathtub (the freaking bathroom is carpeted, don’t look at me like that!) Lotion my face. Brush teeth. Spit blood. Deodorant . Makeup. Hair. Done.
Not too bad… I can usually stroll out of the bathroom at 5:33AM and wake up Hubs and Dickie
I seriously thrive on routine.
Today I exited the bathroom at 5:42AM
Want to know why? Because of a dirty LIAR!
So, there I am…. applying makeup to my face, attempting to look 33 rather than my actual 34
As I lean towards the mirror to blend… something, I see it.
Not a menacing “I’m gonna bite you and make you all bloated and then you’ll die” kind of spider… Just a standard “I kind of look like a Daddy-Long Legs and I don’t want no problems” kind of spider
I wasn’t in the mood to get all gangster on his little arachnid ass… so, I let him be
and he lazily crawled up the wall, next to my mirror.
I knew that although I didn’t sense any kind of imminent danger… I should probably make sure that we were on the same “I’m not planning on killing you” page
So I briefly glanced at him, as he traveled upwards and asked him of his intentions…..
ummm… you don’t really believe that, do you?
Wow…. We all know spiders can’t talk. Dang, gullible.
So, using telepathy I offered my question. He responded that he was just passing through and meant no harm.
I offered to shake on it but he reminded me of his lack of hands…
I went back to applying my make-up and he went back to traveling up the wall.
Although an informal truce had been made, I still kept a somewhat wary eye on him
but he just kept… climbing the wall
Finally my makeup was done and it was time to attempt to tame my hair.
As I leaned towards the mirror, again, I saw out of the corner of my eye, something drift down towards the sink
It looked about the size of a particle of dust… I briefly wondered if the spider pooped.
Glancing down I saw something that caused me to take a step back
On my sink… sat the spider.
The spider that was roughly 29 times bigger than that dot I saw float down.
How in the….
How had he made himself so…. little
I decided to trust his words of peace and attempted to finish smacking my hair into place. However, I could see movement on the sink.
He was making me nervous. What if he wasn’t as innocent as I had first suspected.
Who knows what kind of horrors his travels in life has included
This could be THE most Evil spider ever known to man-kind…. and here I was just offering for him to hang out for a little while.
I, then, mustered up the courage to get a closer look at my visitor.
I did a fang check… a pincer check… a blood splatter on his head from his latest victim check… I even made sure that TR wasn’t saddled up on him in an effort to curb the upcoming “Hold crap TR was freaking drunk!” blog
He came back clean on all counts.
But, it was apparent that he wasn’t leaving the sink area any time soon… and he was in my way
Our stand-off finally ended with me grabbing one square of toilet paper, picking him by a foot (after a short pursuit across the counter top) and relocating him to the bathtub.
Hopefully this action didn’t void our previous agreement.
My interaction with the spider has tarnished my entire day. I don’t understand why he felt the need to lie to me.
“I’m just passing though… I mean you no harm”
You entered that bathroom with malice intent, Spider!
The intent to annoy and strike fear…
You, Spider, are nothing but a liar and a fat mouth!
…and to think, at one time, I trusted you