March 6, 2012 by Kim
I know that you so desperately want your very own shout out, on my blog. How do I know this? You told me… When you inquired about how to get mentioned, I simply responded “Just be funny” Maybe your idea of funny and my idea of funny are 2 totally different animals… Let me detail, for you… where you are going wrong.
1. No one wants to know how many marbles, Pogs or scented erasers you can fit within your belly button… and no you don’t get extra cool points if they stay nestled inside when you stand up…. A belly button is not the new fanny pack. Shits gonna get lost in there, bro.
2. No one cares that you recently met Mike Tyson and had him sign your chest. Your chest is mega-hairy and if I was a betting woman, I’d place some funds against the fact that his pen is probably still entangled in your chest hair. You said he was kind of an ass…. That was probably his favorite pen.
3. I will not tell the tale about how you got drunk once and fell out of our truck… You’ve always thought that one of your shoes fell off during your plummet to the ground…. It didn’t. I personally removed it and beat your intoxicated ass with it.
4. Your fondness for wearing waterproof mascara, using Biore pore strips and your refusal to eat the crust off a hamburger bun… shall not be mentioned
5. The simple facts that you idolize a certain blue-eyed NKOTB crooner, give yourself weekly spaghettio suppository and currently wear a size 4 (kids) shoe… will not be scoffed at
Brother-in-Law… Someday you will have your much-anticipated moment in the sun. I guarantee that. However, for the time being, please understand that your little oddities… like your obsession with consuming stranger’s toenail clipping… just isn’t going to get you there.