February 10, 2012 by Kim
The cubicle can be the loneliest place in the world…
The raw sense, of purely knowing that you are entombed within those 4 carpeted wall, can be maddening
Some days… it feels like death
Some days, you feel invisible
You sit, day after day, in your anti-ergonomic chair… pecking away at your keyboard
You can hear the sounds of life all around you… the steady hum of a microwave, the familiar click-click-click of high heels, the constant flow of conversation…. conversation regarding everything except work… the low buzz of the printer…. the stream of obscenities which follows that same printers latest screw up
You can see coworkers passing by your cube-opening… never glancing inwards
Never noticing the pre-corpse, perched atop a chair, pecking at the keyboard
but, to be honest… you really don’t want them to look
Because if eye contact is made, there is an unwritten rule that certain pleasantries must be made.
Some folks can suffice with a simple “How you doin?” and they continue strolling by
That form interaction in completely fine with me.
But, you also have the folks who will come to a complete stop…. force you, with their bare ink-stained hands, to make eye contact… and launch themselves into a 20+ minute conversation, of which you have now been trapped
and let’s face it… they’re blocking your “door”, which to most cubies, is the only means of escape
Oh, the stories they will tell…
they will tell you about their dog, who died 8 years ago, of natural causes…. they will pull their kids nieces neighbors cousin’s fundraiser booklet out from the depths of their bra and try to convince you to purchase a 75 dollar bucket of cookie dough… they will ask you if they can have a bite of your sandwich…. they will place their disposable coffee cup on your desk, where it will stay for the remainder of the current fiscal year… they will ask to borrow your pen and immediately tuck it into their badge holder… they will pull out their personal cell phone and show you multiple pictures from their spouses recent appearance on Cheaters… they will mispronounce your name and then correct you when you attempt to correct them… they will ask you for another bite of your sandwich and inquire on the kind of bread you buy… they will lick some mayonnaise off of the remaining crust before returning to sandwich to you…. they will instigate a conversation with some random person who was in the walkway, on the other side of your cube-wall…. that conversation will span at least 7 minutes and you will be ignored, if you happen to look to up and to the right all you will see is nostrils, protruding over the cube-wall, if you look directly to the left you may get a little spittle on your face as your coworker rawrs with laughter….
If you chose to utilize this little intermission, to your advantage, your part in this unwanted conversation will be over.
While Co-worker #1 and Co-worker #2 are playing verbal ping-pong, over your head…… become engrossed in your computer
Work like you’ve never worked before…. pretend to make a phone call…
Physically use your index finger to follow sentences, on your computer screen,to completely demonstrate how utterly emerged you are in this project
if you own reading glasses, put them on
if you don’t own reading glasses… go buy some
not right now… later
In desperate situations, do everything
Yes, I said it…. EVERYTHING!
Pick up your phone and pretend to make a call… put on your reading glasses… cradle the phone against your shoulder and follow random sentences, with your index finger, on the computer screen… mumble various obscenities towards your imaginary friend on the phone, use phrases like “Oh f@ck, this is really f@cking bad, what the f@ck are we going to do, this is going to take f@cking weeks to correct.”
Throw in a “I f@cking hate my damn f@cking life”, slam down the phone (make sure that you miss the cradle a few time so that you can maniacally slam it down a couple additional times), throw something from your desk against a random wall and bury you head into your hands, if the convo-coworker is still lingering… pee on yourself
It may be your only chance for escape
If you would like a shorter, more to the point idea regarding how to make people flee from your Cube-entrance
…kind of like the cliff notes to all that crap, up there….
Grab your cell phone…hold it up…. threaten to take a picture.
Most people HATE having random pictures taken… and co-workers are no exception
You can ALMOST see the motion in this picture, where ATC and Ti attempted to hurl themselves backwards, out of the frame…
Nothing but net…