Keep your enemies closer…

3

January 26, 2012 by Kim


As of this morning, I am currently at war

I woke, unsuspecting… it seemed to be a day,  just like every other day

5AM…annoying alarm intruding into my dreams… attempting to stumble to the bathroom, without colliding into the slumbering Beast… missing the center of the toilet, by about 3 inches, when you attempt to sit down with your eyes still closed… and the awkward half-leaning what-the-heck-just-happened perch you are stuck in, while your brain attempts to make sense of the situation you’re found yourself in…

Luckily, about halfway through my make-up application, my vision begins to stabilize and I can somewhat see what is going on in my surroundings.

Usually I can make it through the rest of my routine, incident free…  other than the random gross-out that occurs when I pick up my toothbrush and 13 previous weeks of post brushing “goo” has made its way down the handle….and I accidentally touch it.

and the only thing that usually hurts… is my heart

It’s pretty gross…

So this morning was… typical

Not bad… not good…

Just right?

What… shut the heck up!  There will NEVER be ANYTHING “just right” about 5AM

I don’t care about no “5 o’clock in the morning” song … just go to bed, already!  He should have came by hours ago…and I hope your iPhone dies because it wasn’t plugged in correctly!!!

Crap… now the song is stuck in my head….. CRAP

Ummmm… so another normal work-morning… attempting to make myself presentable.

Now, this little guy is the last step in my process….

I always save the hair for last… because if all else fails, or I run out of time… I can always just pull it back.  Can’t exactly do that with my face…

So, The Straightener…

We’ve been an item for quite some time now

My hair has been having an identity crisis, since I was about 18 and can’t decide whether it wants to be wavy or straight…

*I think it may still be rebelling from the Sun-In disaster of the Junior High years*

My hair’s awkwardness has created a lifelong friendship between me and The Straightener

We’re homies

…or so I thought

Let me explain…. The Straightener is very particular about how it likes to be held…

There can be no deviations, from this exact hold…  The Straightener is very picky and doesn’t really like to try new things…

So, today… I may have created a bit of a problem…

In my own defense, I honestly wasn’t paying attention… like I should have been

I was distracted by a half-naked slumbering Hubs, in the bed behind me…

I absently reached down to pick up The Straightener

eyes still glued to the mirror,  jealously watching Hubs sleep…

The Straightener screamed!

…or maybe that was me

Whoa… WHOA… WHOOOOAAAA!

Incorrect positioning!

INCORRECT FREAKING POSITIONING!!!

The Straightener dropped to the countertop and ricocheted into the empty sink…

I stood there, still staring at the mirror… in shock

Luckily I was able to compose myself and finish getting ready for work.

Halfway through the day my little blunder was all but forgotten… other than a slight numbing on my middle finger

and life went on…

Late in the afternoon, I was attempting to catch up with ATC…

after unsuccessfully trying to type some random sentence about 87 different times, I opted to bang my face against the keyboard and hit send.

As expected, ATC responded with confusion…

to which I responded with my tale of The Straightener…

ATC immediately noted that my epic battle should be today’s blog entry…

I nodded my head in agreement and gazed at my deadened  cartoon-like middle finger, as I read his suggestion

and then my mind took a sharp left turn…

like, super sharp… that bitch was on 2 wheels, yo!

Perhaps my fingerprint had been lifted and was now being help hostage by The Straightener…

and perhaps The Straightener wasn’t the ally, I had always thought it to be..

and perhaps The Straightener came from a violent broken home, originally, and only knew of anger and rage as valid feelings and expressions…

and perhaps The Straightener was hatching an evil plan as my mind was racing… at that very moment…

and perhaps I should really stop saying perhaps

…because it’s probably getting kind of old

perhaps?

So, here’s the deal…. as whispered to me, by the voices in my head….

The Straightener currently has possession of my right hand middle fingerprint… The Straightener does not have good intentions for its use….The Straightener is going to lay low for a while and then commence on a nationwide, coast to coast, crime spree… leaving my right hand middle thumbprint as it’s only clue.  It’s going to be lackluster destruction and common misdemeanors, day in and day out…

Dear, Lord… somebody, help me…

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3 thoughts on “Keep your enemies closer…

  1. Ronnie Libra says:

    I think you forgot to specify with the red circle in the picture that, that’s where the side of one’s face goes after a night of way too much drinking.

  2. Bella says:

    Wow. Just discovered your blog and I’ll be following. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. The Hook says:

    Sounds like an all-too-familiar scenario… for my wife!

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