January 17, 2012 by Kim
Evil is among us
and I’ve recently purchased some, of my very own, at Wal-Mart…
This Evil that I speak of comes enclosed in a tiny glass bottle
and this Evil might just damned well be my savior…
in the end
Allow me to explain… I have been stifled by a certain horrible vile habit, since the age of 12
A total of 21 years, now…. afflicted
My habit is currently of legal drinking age… and a complete pain in the ass.
I, my friends, am a rabid nail biter
I’m pretty sure that I have days where I chew on my hands more than I breathe…
I’ve always wanted to stop… Especially when I wake up, in the morning, with a nail-chewing hangover, my finger tips are stinging and I end up having to wrap band-aids around the most affected areas.
That pain has kept me up at night… and I hate always having to explain away the 3 Phineas and Ferb Band-Aids, wrapped around my aching finger tips…
I have tried many remedies, through the last couple of decades… I have had acrylic nails applied, only to chew the hell out of them… a million times. I have worn rubber bands around my wrists, to snap when the urge to chew would hit… but I usually wouldn’t even notice that my fingers were in my mouth until I had already been gnawing on them for the last 10 minutes. In high school I tried one of those clear polishes that had a slightly “off” taste… hoping it would deter me. Instead, I quickly realized that the taste was usually gone after about 30 seconds… no sweat.
Lately I’ve really been wanting to go get my nails “did” Problem is, I have currently been on a chewing binge and what’s left of my nails is so insanely short… well, let’s just say I don’t feel like hearing the Koreans at the nail shop talk crap about my gross hands. It will hurt my heart.
So, yesterday…weekly trip to The Wal-Mart… I had decided that it had been a good 15 years since I had last tried the liquid nail biting deterrent… Maybe it was different, now… maybe it actually tastes bad this time…
So, I made a purchase…
and I went home and applied my purchase…
and I went to bed.
Fast forward to today…
Yeah, I know… HUGE fast forward there… maybe just hit the little curved arrow thing once…..
Collaborate and Listen
Woah…. Can we get back on track, please
So, we jumped one little curved arrow thing forward.
I somehow managed to make it through the entire morning, at work…. with zero bites
and only one brief moment of grossness… as I attempted to eat some trail mix and my fingers tips accidentally kept brushing against my mouth
Yeah, not something that I could get down with
This was definitely not the same stuff from my high school days
This crap embodied the taste of evil
Pure evil…. not that diluted shit.
I had several more instances, throughout the afternoon, where I would absently put my fingers to my mouth… but the slightest taste of that….. that stuff would make me jerk my hand away. I don’t think I have successfully been able to move any part of my body that fast since good old Field Day of ’87
I only had one true recordable fail of the day… and of course, I was not confined to the privacy of my cubicle, at the time…
I was standing by the community microwave…. way out in the open, waiting for my lame ass cheese sandwich to warm…
and as familiar as the standard inhale/exhale motion… my hand went to my mouth
maybe I was distracted by my lack luster lunch…. or maybe I was listening in on someone elses conversation… or maybe I just really have issues… but, I honestly did not notice that retched taste, at first. This occurrence was, without a doubt my most “in your face” experience with the taste…. and the taste was all bad.
Panic/shock/anger overtook my senses and I completely lost control… I felt my body twist into a standing fetal position as my limbs violently shook… my face contorted and a stream of cuss words pushed their way through my clenched lips
Unfortunately, everything did not go black and I had the distinct pleasure of seeing my coworker’s reactions to the previous 2.4 seconds that I had spent looking as though I was quite possibly possessed.
and from that exact moment to this very keyboard stroke, that taste is still there… lingering
It’s muted… but even muted Evil sucks.