December 27, 2011 by Kim
It’s happened again…
Taking into consideration my self-diagnosed ADD/OCD brain, my 40-hour work week, my 3 sons, my man-child Hubs and the Beast
I’m used to constantly hearing noise…
“A certain extent” meaning that I am able to function at my best when it’s late at night, the children are asleep and Hubs is enamored with my sister-wife, the X-Box
Silence is golden
I’ll still have to put up with my own racing thoughts, but I’ve known myself for almost 34 years… I’ve grown kind of used to my annoyances
Can I block it out?
Can I somewhat ignore it?
I’ve had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember. I don’t do well in large crowds.
A few weeks ago, Hubs and I went to our little neighborhood bar. As we turned the corner. I physically felt my heart drop. The parking lot resembled Wal-Mart’s parking lot on Black Friday. Don’t get me wrong… I like being around people… familiar people. But, when there’s too many people and too much activity, it can be extremely over-whelming. On that particular night, I attempted to “be OK” I knew I wasn’t though. Moving around without accidentally touching someone else was impossible. I don’t really like physical contact, especially with strangers… There were about 40 different conversations taking place, within the building and I swear I could hear them all…. Words, everywhere… 40 different sentences, interlacing together… what was originally leaving people’s mouths as complete sentences, entered my ears as severed words and sounds. Somewhere behind all this noise I could hear my brain screaming.
and at that point, my body shut down
I felt a wave of heat travel from my head to my toes as my body began to shake, my stomach was turning and my vision became clouded
I guess if I won’t remove my body from a stressful situation, my body will remove me…
It’s a coping technique
Unfortunately, my mind has also learned how to cope with… my mind
Somewhere along my journey, my racing mind grew weary
But, how do you shut yourself up… when you are wired for constant activity?
Hearing a million thoughts a day, at 80 miles per hour, is exhausting
and the individual thoughts are like bratty, attention-starved children
all trying to talk over each other…
and you just want some peace
So, my mind learned a clever little trick…
Pick a random song, pick a catchy phrase from previously mentioned song, send previously mentioned catchy phrase bouncing into my skull, place on repeat
Yes, hearing the same sentence over and over and over can be irritating
but, it’s not going to drive you mad…
It can almost be soothing
Today was officially day 5 of my 11 day vacation
At least 3 times, today, I declared that it would have been less stressful to go to work
at least 2 times, today, I asked my children to remove themselves from my line of vision
and at least 1 time, today, I threatened a child with boot-camp
I love being home with my family, but we’re on day FIVE here people…
So my mind, being the good mind that it is, lazily flipped through 2009’s playlist and dumped the following into my pinball machine brain
“wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy”
and over and over and over
Yeah, over it….
While I was in the shower my mind decided to declare war against…. my mind
it’s happened before…. it’s never pretty
want the play-by-play?
Of course you do…..
*while in the shower*
…why are we assuming that anyone wants to wake up feeling like P. Diddy? I’m assuming that most men would rather go to bed feeling like P. Diddy…. surrounded by models…. on a round bed…. that spins. In fact, based on his image, I’m going to guess that P. Diddy probably did NOT go to bed at a reasonable hour, last night… and that P. Diddy was probably awake until the wee hours of THIS morning… and that there was probably alcohol involved… and that the alcohol was probably Ciroc… and if he did go to bed at such an indecent hour, who’s to say that he even WOKE UP while it was still morning? P. Diddy may not have even woken up until 7PM….. so, then what would happen? You want to claim that you woke up this morning feeling like P. Diddy… but, P. Diddy was probably still ASLEEP!!! So, are you saying that you woke up feeling like shit and hungover? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not how P.Diddy prefers to roll! Aspiring to wake up feeling like P. Diddy is stupid…. do you know when I want to feel like P. Diddy? When I check my bank balance, I would love to feel like P. Diddy…. when I’m trying to buy a new car and they’re running my credit, I would love to feel like P. Diddy… when I’m checking the views on my blog, I would love to feel like P. Diddy…
and that, my friends, was an actual argument I had… with myself
welcome to the world going on inside my head