Smart Ones Chicken Enchilada Suiza…

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September 9, 2011 by Kim


Dear Smart Ones Chicken Enchilada Suiza (SOCES)

I have a serious bone to pick with you SOCES.  Let me start off this correspondence by making it perfectly clear… I never EVER freaking wanted you!  You somehow managed to cleverly hide your nasty ass behind the oh-so-tasty Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans, that I love so much.  I naively thought that I was grabbing 2 boxes of those delightful rice and beans… Your trickery wouldn’t be discovered for almost a week.  Only ONE box of the Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans had made its way home with me…. the second box, it seems, was a stowaway.  A nasty vile stowaway.

I first discovered your deception last night.  I had decided that I should probably get around to making my lunch for the next workday.  I, however, was feeling much too lazy to perform any kind of miraculous sandwich creations….  I knew that on nights like this, you turn to the red box.  As I slid that familiar box off my freezer shelf, I felt my heart drop to my ankles…

Chicken Enchilada Su-what?

Oh Hell No.

I had seen this “meal” in the stores before…. I had never even entertained the idea of consuming one.  SOCES was definitely NOT my thing.  But, alas, here I was…. offending box in hand.   I looked a little closer, concluding that maybe it didn’t look TOO bad and decided that this SOCES would be my lunch tomorrow.  I figured that it would be best to get what I knew would be my LEAST favorite Smart Ones meal, out-of-the-way.  All was then forgotten until roughly 11:30 today.

First off…. SOCES, I’ll have to admit, you smell divine.  Coworkers were flocking towards the microwave, sniffing nostrils pointed skyward, as you pirouetted gracefully on the glass carousel inside.  A little glimmer of hope for this bastard lunch began to emerge in my mind…. could this be my new favorite?  Is it possible that something may exist which might just triumph over the Three Cheese Ziti Marinara?

Impossible.

I sat at my desk, in shock, SOCES resting comfortably in front of my keyboard. It was almost as though SOCES should have been there all along.  I silently cursed myself for not being aware of the beauty contained within this meal before hand.  Live and Learn.

I raised my plastic fork to my lips, tasting a bit of the rice….. not bad.  Not bad at all…

My eyes slid over towards the enchilada.  It looked good.  Anticipation surged through my veins as I cut through the tortilla.   I closed my eyes and prepared to have my world rocked.

and I chewed

and chewed

and…. chewed.

and all of a sudden, it seemed, my teeth were angry with me…

I had forgotten my one golden rule.  I completely despise microwave “meat” and do my absolute best to avoid it at all costs.   I have never been a huge fan of meat, in general, but microwave meat is an entire separate level of grossness.

I quickly spit out the chewed up “chicken” and glared at the remaining enchilada.

I knew what I had to do…. I’ve had to do it, quite often

I sliced open the enchilada, with the skilled precision of a trusted surgeon.  I turned my fork sideways and slid it slowly along the length of the exposed tortilla.  I chucked that shitty “chicken” into the trashcan.

False advertising is one of my pet peeves.  Studying the box, the chicken displayed is a nice savory shredded chicken… probably even shredded by hand… by a grandma…

Examine my circles.  A little THICK to be a shredded, no?

So, in closing… because in all honesty, I JUST remembered that this was supposed to be a letter… I would like to say to SOCES.

You suck and your “chicken” is putrid!

Never Again.

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