You Eat Nothing…


August 19, 2011 by Kim

I try to avoid taking this whole parenting gig too seriously…

I mean as long as they don’t curse me out, eat their vegetables and avoid gang activity… we’re good.  However, the first time I find some peas hidden away in a napkin…. it’s ON!

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not trying to be their “friend”  I’ve just realized, over time, how entertaining it can be to torment the hell out of them…. especially the little one.  He’s kind of an asshole.

Let’s take this afternoon, for example.   We were all crammed in the Pontiac, recovering from the torture that is “school clothes shopping” The time was nearing 5 o’clock… Dinner time.  I know, for a fact, that my stomach was doing an angry dance and Dickie made no attempt to hide his dismay in regards to his rising hunger level.  After he had declared his current state of near-starvation for the 5th time, I decided it was time to begin the harassment.   In a slightly high-pitched voice I sang him a simple little enchanting ditty…

“You eaaaaat nooooothiiiing”

I heard him mumble something containing the phrase “poo-poo head” followed by him, again, lamenting over the fact that he had not eaten in about 4 whole hours…  I placed my new fun song on repeat and sang it to him three times

“You eaaaaat nooooothiiiing, You eaaaaat nooooothiiiing, You eaaaaat nooooothiiiing”

I felt a swift hard kick to the back of my chair and he shrieked that he wanted to eat.

The song continued.

The backseat yelling continued.

The older boys glared at me in disgust.

I believe at one point, Dickie was near tears… all while telling me that he was going to punch me in the head.

and the song continued….

I decided to bring out the big guns as we neared the Mexican restaurant, that I had secretly decided to take us to…

“From now on, when I make you food, I’m going to hand your plate straight over to The Beast…… and youuuuuuu eaaaaaaaat nooooothiiiing!”

In the blink of an eye, my seat was pummeled by little Barney Rubble feet, I was called a poo-poo head and the shriek resumed….

It’s been a few hours now, since the Situation…

EWW!!! Not that one!!! Gross!

…an enchilada is now swimming happily in Dickie’s belly and peace has, once again, taken over.


3 thoughts on “You Eat Nothing…

  1. kimberly merkel says:


  2. Kelley says:

    Your house sounds like a circus like mine! We went school clothes shopping the other day and it made me INSANE!!!!!!!!!

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