The First Loser…


August 18, 2011 by Kim

One of the many perks of being an only child is that you win the coveted “Favorite Kid” status… even if it IS obtained by default.

I liken it to my 3rd grade talent show… You didn’t have to do anything special, you show up… you get a trophy.  Who cares if you swapped the word unaware for underwear and can’t really carry a tune…. Take this trophy.  You earned it…. kind of.

So, basically, I got the luxury of having attention, love and praise showered upon me…. for merely being a mediocre human being.


Apparently, my time in the spotlight has passed.

The only child has spawned children of her own…  and they are muchly favored.


My mom is no longer “Mom”  she has legally switched her name over to Grandma.  Somewhere in the last 13 years, I have been cast aside.  Being mediocre is just not going to cut it anymore.

I have tried making myself stand out…. When the 13-year-old attempts to give her a picture that he drew, I make sure to scoff at it loudly and point out all the inconsistencies in his technique. I usually, try to quickly produce a picture of much higher quality…  Grandma must not have much of an eye for art as she usually seems to prefer his work over mine.

I have tried tarnishing their reputations.  I have mastered the art of falsifying report cards to lower their grades and conveniently manage to mail their thank you notes to an incorrect address every year.  When the 10-yr-old decided he did not want to play football this year, I told her in confidence that he wasn’t allowed to go back because he punched one of the coaches in the Wal-Mart parking lot and threw up gang signs…

I have tried reminding her how good things used to be…. I tell embellished stories from my childhood and break out the pictures of me at 6.  Grandma oooos and awwwws over the pictures and remarks how much the 6-yr-old resembles me… only soooo much cuter.

and then it hits me… maybe I never WAS the favorite to begin with….  I mean, I never did get that Easy Bake Oven that I asked for every year, I was never bought one single box of Cookie Crisp and when I fell in Junior High and slide my face across some rocky pavement, she made me go to school with scabs all over my face.

These little turds get EVERYTHING!  She flaunts the Cookie Crisp that she buys them, in front of my face, weekly…. she giggles when they cuss….and she would whoop my ASS if I sent them to school with scabs all over their faces…

While lamenting to ATC about a box of Choco-Tacos that she had bought them, I inquired as to why she hated me so…   The wise ATC then reminded me…

“Well, your dog did pretty much try to maim and dismember her…”


Guess it’s just you and me Beast…


7 thoughts on “The First Loser…

  1. Although I am flattered at being mentioned again… I know the true reason this was posted. The only reason you wrote roughly 300 words around one sentence was to emphasize one thing- You still want that damned easy bake oven! Maybe someday, young Kimberliah…

  2. haha nice! im an only child too. i guess it’s really nice when you’re a kid, but when you grow up it’s hell! anyways good luck and thanks for posting!

  3. Spectra says:

    I had a good laugh at all of your desperate sabotage techniques against your 13 yr. old. It’s important to one-up your kid, let him know who’s the BEST at everything. This will keep them humble. Kids can get so arrogant otherwise.

    I was the black sheep of a very large family. With 8 siblings, there was almost no way I could shine or stand out. So I had to settle for achieving the lowest standard possible. If you can’t be the best, be the best at being the worst. Failure has its own rewards. Less pressure to perform.

    • Kim says:

      LOL… I remember getting in trouble once, for a B- … too close to a C. I yelled out that I wished I had never shown them how smart I was..

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