June 3, 2011 by Kim
Dear Ol’ Roy dog food:
I just wanted to take a moment out of this hectic Friday night to express some gratitude for your cheaply made doggy chow. I went against my better judgement last week and bought a sack o’ food, sporting the Ol’ Roy name. I’ll admit, it was the price that got me. I was tired… and looking for a deal. You swooped in, wiggled in front of me a bit and showed me what you were working with. I love a cheap thrill, so into my cart you went.
My dog, The Beast, seems to love you… Bowls of food are wiped clean within minutes of being set down onto the floor. However, this IS the same dog that, on his own free will, feasts contently on his very own turds.
I’m not quite sure how you did it but The Beast’s flatulence is somehow a million times worse than it was before. It’s almost awe-inspiring how bad an odor his butt can produce. I really and truly wish that I could bottle this over-whelming scent into a large mason jar and sent it straight to you guys! Sharing is caring!!! I would also like to say a HUGE thank you for the fact that my doggy, who once slept peacefully through the entire night, is now waking me up with the consistency of a newborn baby, so he can go outside and shoot projectile watery poop all over the backyard. The smell, in my half-awakened state, is to die for. Gotta love that extra quality time. The entire fly population of Southern California will most likely be sending their own letter of gratitude.
So, in closing, I just wanted to make sure that you know there are people out there that are just THRILLED with the lack of quality you put into your product. I truly thank you, my kids (the shitter picker uppers) truly thank you…. and last but certainly not least, The Beast and his angry puckering ass thanks you.