The Kaleidoscope…

2

May 18, 2011 by Kim


… from 2007  *I’ve seemed to have lost all my creativity this week* 

……………………………………………… 

I need to release… hard.

I went to surprise Daniel at his spelling bee today.

As I walked into the school’s  cafeteria I saw him onstage… he saw me and waved excitedly.

I waved back.

I sat down and after a couple of minutes he came off the stage and walked towards me looking extremely dejected.

I saw tears in his eyes as he stopped in front of me.  When I asked him what was the matter, he told me that he was told to go sit in the audience.

Apparently he hadn’t qualified to be in today’s round.

I felt so sad for him as he went to join his class in the audience.  He took his seat next to a much bigger boy… who am I kidding they’re ALL bigger then him.  Of COURSE the boy wouldn’t scoot over on the bench so Daniel got stuck trying to balance his tiny frame on about 4 inches of seat.

I sat through the whole bee because I’d feel bad just walking off after that… and I observed my son.

He was attentive to the action going on at the stage, but he fidgeted through the entire thing.  Legs swinging, arms in the air at times…. but eyes…. on the stage.

I saw the boy next to him looking at him strangely as he squirmed around and I felt something no parent should ever feel.

Shame.

All the other kids were sitting still, watching the bee…. some whispering and being shushed by the teachers… but there were NO kids like Daniel.   I wanted him to just sit there so badly.  Stop moving your arms, Daniel… Stop shaking your legs, Daniel…. Put your shoes back on Daniel…. Daniel… don’t you see they’re looking at you!!!  Please, just stop.

My heart hurts right now.  Anyone who doesn’t believe ADHD is real… can seriously kiss my ass. 

The shame I felt in there watching him be “squirrely” as the principal put it, last week…. sickens me.  All I could think was what he must look like to everyone else.  I felt like everyone was watching him…. wondering if he was “retarded” or something.  I wondered if he wasn’t my son and I didn’t know him, what dumb thoughts would have been going though my head…. I probably would have thought he was “slow” 

I hate this.  You all probably think I’m horrible, and I don’t blame you one bit.  I feel like I am horrible.  I mean seriously, who feels this way about their own flesh and blood, my first born son.   I feel like I am failing him.

The last couple days I have been watching him on the playground…. I can tell the kids don’t “like” playing with him…. He’s all over the damned place.  Shit, I probably wouldn’t want to play with him either, if I was a kid…. in all honesty.  Who wants to have to play with the “weird” kid.

SHIT….

This kills me.  I was never popular…  I was painfully quiet growing up, my sense of humor has always been kind of off…. I wasn’t good looking at all.  I remember how lonely I felt.  I HATE to think he’s feeling like that at all.

When I was pregnant, I remember picturing his life to be SO different from mine…. I pictured him being surrounded by friends…. to be athletic….. to be good looking…. to be well-liked.   I never even considered this reality.

I never pictured having one of the “different” kids…. I never pictured having the kid that others look at, wondering if he might be special needs…. I never pictured having the kid who seems to be about 2 years younger mentally than he really is.

and then…. he comes home… and I can see in his eyes that he has NO FREAKING IDEA…. he doesn’t know that those kids “playing” with him are actually trying to get away from him.  He doesn’t see the curious stares… He doesn’t see his differences at all…. To him, life is great.  I need to learn to see the world through my sons eyes.

I would give anything to see the world through Daniel’s eyes.

So I will go on with  my little charade…. pretending that everything’s ok… he doesn’t need to be pushed into reality.

Yet.

He thinks life is great… so it must be.

It’s just that I know the day is coming when his innocence will wear off and he will begin to see things as they really are.  I remember when mine wore off….  I just wanted to be normal.  I wanted it so bad it hurt.

I don’t want him to hurt.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “The Kaleidoscope…

  1. I am so glad you posted this. It takes a lot to be able to share this kind of emotion. When I read this the first time, I knew that everyone should get a chance to read it. You are such a gifted writer.

  2. Dane says:

    As a 28 year old male, on the verge of failing out of college for a 2nd time, please do Daniel a favor. Don’t wait. Structure, structure, structure. I wish I had more structure in my life while growing up. Instead of waiting [hoping] for me to “grow out of it” – which I can tell you did not happen. If anything, the stresses of life seem to compound everything. I wish you both the best of luck.

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